Pride Angel

Nominate your entry for the IoS 2011 Pink List

The Independent on Sunday's annual Pink List returns next month, celebrating the 101 most influential lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender men and women in Britain.

Since the list was last published in 2010, we can add to the list an England cricketer (Steven Davies), an X Factor winner (Joe McElderry) and a chart-topping singer (Jessie J). But influence is not all about hitting a boundary or appearing at Glastonbury on a gilded throne.

Of course, it takes courage to be gay in the public eye – particularly in the world of sport, for instance, or for women who aspire to thrive in a career in television. Last year, we awarded the joint number one position to the rugby player Gareth Thomas and Mary Portas, the Queen of Shops.

But there are many more people who daily improve life in this country without their work ever receiving applause. Campaigners who effect the first small changes that eventually become written into law. Volunteers who work with young people. They too deserve our garlands of praise.

This year, then, we would like to ask for your help. Do you know an unsung champion whose work promotes real progress and equality in this country? Is there someone whose name should be celebrated alongside national treasures such as Sir Ian McKellen, Alan Bennett, Sue Perkins and Jeanette Winterson? We want you to let us know.

You can send your nominations in the following ways: by email, to pinklist@independent.co.uk; or post your nomination at: www.independent.co.uk/pinklist2011; and by post: Pink List, The Independent on Sunday, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5HF. A panel of high-profile judges will pore over your suggestions and bring you their final 101 on 23 October.

Each year, the Pink List receives its fair share of praise and censure. And the ever-increasing number of worthy nominees proves that being gay is less and less of a defining factor. Here is proof that gay men and women can be sporting legends, or courageous soldiers, or actors, cabinet ministers, judges or dancers – anything at all.

As for the definition of influential – this time, that's up to you. Let us know who inspires you. And if that person happens to be a chart-topping singer or a sporting star – well, we're happy to consider them for the list, too.

Who would you like to see celebrated in the Pink List? Nominate your hero or heroine here. And feel free to vote for famous people, too. Nominations will close on Sunday 16th October.

Follow this link to make your nomination: www.independent.co.uk/pinklist

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender? find your parenting match with pride at www.prideangel.com

The increasing number of children born through sperm donation, and the fact that many of those children are just now reaching adulthood, is leading to a revolution in the way we define families. A Tuesday Post story examined how children conceived this way are beginning to search for the donors. (University of California Press)

But what do the donors think? How much responsibility do they feel? A new book is providing some answers. “Sex Cells: The Medical Market for Eggs and Sperm,” (University of California Press, September 2011) by Rene Almeling, an Assistant Professor of Sociology at Yale University, provides insights into the relationships between donors, recipients and the children conceived. Over fours years, Almeling studied six sperm banks and interviewed their founders and staffers. She also interviewed 40 donors.

One of the fascinating aspects of Almeling’s research is that she explored how donors, both egg and sperm, perceive their own roles in a family. She found that, despite conventional wisdom, it’s the male donors who feel a stronger connection.

“One of the most surprising things I found was that sperm donors have a straightforward view of themselves as fathers, while egg donors insist they are not mothers,” she wrote me in an e-mail conversation we had about her book. She went on to suggest some explanations for the difference:

“My research points to a long-standing cultural assumption in which the male contribution to reproduction is seen as primary. Indeed, the ancient Greeks, who thought of men as providing the generative seed and women the nurturing soil, would recognize a modern-day incarnation of this formulation in fertility agencies. Sperm donors think of their seed as essential to the child, down playing the role of the recipients. Egg donors insist that their contribution is “just an egg,” pointing to the recipient as the mother, because she is the one who nurtures by carrying the pregnancy, giving birth and raising the child.

Here’s more from Washington Posts Q&A:

Q. With male donors seeing themselves as “fathers,” does it follow that they might be more open to establishing relationships with the children that are created from their sperm?

Almeling: No. In fact, I found that both sperm donors and egg donors were generally willing to meet children who requested it, or at the very least, to provide updated medical information. It is just that the men couched those feelings of responsibility in terms of being a parent, whereas the women did not.

Q. As more and more families are formed using donors, what sorts of ramifications might these perspectives have for the families involved and our cultural definition of family?

Almeling: Reproductive technologies have made it possible to partition motherhood into different elements. The woman who provides the egg, the woman who carries the pregnancy, and the woman who raises the child can each lay claim (or not) to the label of “mother.”

However, in our culture, it is still the case that providing the sperm makes one a father. As more and more families are created through what is called “assisted reproduction,” it will be interesting to see whether definitions of paternity emerge that are as flexible as our definitions of maternity.

Q. Given your research, do you think donors should have more rights? More information? More guidance?

Almeling:Based on my interviews with donors, one of the recommendations I would make is that men be encouraged to seriously consider the ramifications of sperm donation.

Most egg agencies require that women undergo psychological screening, with one of the primary goals being to ensure that they have thought through the prospect of biological offspring. Sperm banks do not require this kind of screening. They are content to let men focus on short-term financial gain rather than long-term implications, and I think it does sperm donors a disservice.

In terms of egg donation, there is a critical lack of data about the long-term effects of taking fertility medications. The egg agencies where I did research did a good job of informing women of risks associated with egg donation, but for women’s consent to be truly informed, those clinical studies need to be done.

Article: 28.09.11 www.washingtonpost.com by Janice D'Arcy

Read more about known sperm donation and donating sperm or eggs at www.prideangel.com

Twins Jonah and Hilit Jacobson love sushi and bite their nails. Over 2,000 miles away, twins Jesse and Jayme Clapoff also love sushi and chew their nails.

All four teens look ­incredibly similar with the same brown hair, full mouth and great athletic ability. A coincidence? Not at all. All four are the offspring of the same sperm donor and if it wasn’t for a new website that unites ‘donor siblings’ they would never have met.

Jonah and Hilit, now 16, were born and raised in ­Atlanta, Georgia, US, by Eric and Terri ­Jacobson. When the couple started trying for a baby they discovered they had fertility problems. Tests showed Eric had a condition where he didn’t produce sperm. “When you want to have a baby and you can’t, it’s hard,” says Terri, 47. “You try it all and it costs money.”

The couple’s options included ­adoption – in the US it would cost $25,000 (just over £16,000) – or donor ­insemination. ­They chose the latter. And from a brochure at a fertility ­clinic they ordered sperm from ­donor 1096. “We saw he was Jewish, ­6ft tall, healthy, bright, ­smart, sporty and worked in industrial design. He came from California,” recalls Terri. “When Eric and I found out we were pregnant, we were both ecstatic, thrilled beyond belief. “I was ecstatic to learn I was ­having twins and to find they were a healthy boy and girl. It took five years to have them so the thought of raising two was a ­blessing.” Unbeknown to them, ­several other would-be-parents liked the sound of donor 1096, too.

In California, 2,300 miles away, devoted career ­woman Janis Clapoff was heading for 40 and ­her biological clock ­was thumping. “I really wanted to have children,” she says. “But there was nobody in my life at the time.” So she decided to use a ­donor and liked the sound of a tall, sporty, clever, handsome donor. ­Donor 1096. And in a year, along came twins, Jayme and Jesse, both now 16.

This could’ve been where the story ended. Two sets of twins, living thousands of miles apart. But ­curiosity and a new website meant the twins would eventually meet. Mum Terri had always wondered whether they had other siblings. She has always been open about the circumstances surrounding ­their conception. “Eric and I used the word donor from the time the twins could talk, so it ­was a natural ­introduction for the children,” ­she explains. But while Terri wanted to know more about the twins’ ­biological father – and any ­siblings – Eric was ­less keen. “My husband didn’t want to know the wider connection,” she says. In 2000, when her twins were five, Terri joined the Donor Sibling ­Registry, a way for sperm donor family members to connect in a way they hadn’t done before.

In order to find their half-siblings — if they have any – members use the ID number of the sperm donor. After typing in donor 1096 in to the webpage, Terri found her twins’ first sibling when they were eight. A girl called Maddi, whose mum Mara – a single mum – lived in New York. However, Maddi looked just like her mum and didn’t share physical traits with the twins, or donor 1096. But Maddi was athletic like her ­half-sister Hilit. “There was fondness between them,” Terri says.

During this time, Terri toyed with having another baby and bought more sperm from donor 1096, but she failed to get pregnant. However, after spending a tiring day with her 18-month-old niece, she realised having her twins was enough. Meanwhile, Janis Clapoff also decided to find out about her twins’ dad, donor 1096, and any siblings.

She too registered with the Donor Sibling Registry and the families found each other. Then, four years ago, Janis made the trip to Georgia with her twins to meet Terri’s. “The first time they were all in the same room I couldn’t believe it,” says Terri. “They had the same body type, they even have the same Mick ­Jagger-style lips.” Hilit adds: “The first time meeting Jayme and Jesse was exciting but nerve-wracking. Since my twin Jonah and I had met Maddi two years before, we were prepared. We hugged hello and went to dinner.

“We all talked about our life at home, friends, family and interests. It’s cool when half-siblings meet because you do feel a ­connection, not like just meeting strangers.” Jayme adds: “When ­we went to ­dinner, ­we all ordered the same drink, virgin Pina Coladas. That was cool.” Jesse agrees: ­“The connection was deep. We knew ­that we were ­siblings.”

In fact, the similarities were clear for all to see. As well as looking so alike, the two sets of twins are both ­athletic, outgoing, kind-hearted ­and passionate. Two years after the Clapoff twins visited the Jacobsons in Georgia, the Jacobsons returned the favour and made the trip to Hawaii, where the Clapoffs were living. “I still can’t remember any ­awkward or weird moments between us,” Jonah says. “Jesse and I love the ocean and ­discovered ­that we both wanted to ­attend the same ­uni, which is on the beach.”

It’s the ­internet that has changed the world ­for donor conceived children. ­In the US, there are already about 7,300 sibling ­connections on the Donor Sibling ­Registry and that number is ­expected to rise. And it’s estimated that ­between 30,000 and 60,000 donor ­conceived ­children are born each and every year.

This $1billion industry is thought to be the result of ­­an ageing and even more diverse ­population, a ­society that’s putting off having children until later and advances in medicine that allow procedures like donor insemination to happen. But despite heart-warming stories like the Clapoffs and Jacobsons’, not every family is keen to meet their half-siblings. And many are less than forthcoming about their children’s biological origins.

“Having a donor father is nothing to be ashamed of,” says Terri. ­“Honesty is always the best policy between the parents and children and between the children and ­everyone else.” Terri’s view is backed up by a 2010 study, which revealed many donor children want to know more about their background. However, Terri is also aware of a recent study that warns of the ­dangers of a sperm donor being used too many times. Recently, it was revealed that one man has at least 150 offspring, raising fears of the potential for incest. “I used to think that it was a ­needle in a haystack situation,” says Terri. “But now I’m not so sure. At our sperm bank, they were supposed to cap the number of children a donor could father at 10. “But we now know there are at least 14 and probably 20 children from donor 1096.”

She adds that the industry in the US is unregulated and there will undoubtedly be some unfortunate and shocking results. However, her journey has been a good one. Terri says her twins haven’t yet shown an interest in discovering the identity of donor 1096 and the reason for this, she thinks, is simple: “Their father is Eric – he raised them.” Since the two sets of twins have met, other donor siblings have been discovered, all the result of the same biological father. When Jonah and Hilit Jacobson celebrated their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, eight of their donor siblings showed up for the party. Jayme says: “I wish we lived closer together because we would be so much closer than we already are. We tell each other about certain things. It’s a really great relationship and I just really love them so much.”

Article: 26th September 2011 www.mirror.co.uk

Read more about donating sperm or using a known sperm donor at www.prideangel.com

Scientists believe that an ingredient called co-enzyme Q10, might help older women and even those in their 40s produce healthier eggs.

You might have heard of co-enzyme Q10 before, as it's often mentioned as the magic ingredient in posh face creams advertised on the TV.

There's so much advice around about how to get fertile but it sounds like this could really work. The Canadian fertility doctors have discovered that when they give Q10 to mice, it makes the older mice produce more eggs and they're healthier too.

A woman is born with all the eggs she'll ever have and by the time she's in her late 30s the quality of those eggs have severly declined, hence less chance of giving birth to a healthy baby. As more women than ever are leaving it later to have babies, the Q10 breakthrough could help millions.

The Q10 essentially helps to boost the energy in the cells.

Dr Robert Caspar, medical director of the Toronto Centre for Advanced Reproductive Technology explained: "What we found was that just treating the mice with the co-Q10 we got more eggs than when we gave them fertility drugs."

The only glitch so far seems to be that the mice were treated for 18 weeks - doesn't sound like much but in human lifespan terms it relates to 10 years of treatment.

Doctors are now preparing to these the supplement on women 35 and older who are undergoing fertility treatment.

Article: 23rd September www.thinkbaby.co.uk

Read more about nutrition and boosting fertility at www.prideangel.com

Men willing to donate sperm help to create more than 800 babies in Britain every year through fertility clinics and hundreds more through personal arrangement – but now we are facing a shortage of "sperm donor daddies".

As many as 1 in every 6 people will experience fertility problems, and for many infertile couples, lesbian couples and single women – a sperm donor is the only way of achieving their dream of becoming a parent.

But as their identity is protected through fertility clinic donations, little is known about the men who make conception possible. Only the children they create are allowed to learn their names – and then not until their 18th birthday. Here, the 'Sun' newspaper talks to three men who have donated their sperm.

Ian Mann, 30
IAN, a gay pub quiz host from London, wanted to help childless couples but stopped donating after learning he carries the cystic fibrosis gene. "I got involved with sperm donating a few years ago when I was at the Manchester Pride Festival. "There was a stand for an organisation called Pride Angel which connects sperm and egg donors with infertile and same-sex couples. "I was at the age where I might have been thinking about having kids. "The fact is, I wasn't – but it got me thinking about how could I help.

"I signed up at the website for Pride Angel, which offers a completely free service, but for a while I did not connect with anyone I felt comfortable donating to. "You're put in direct contact with whoever you're considering and you're encouraged to keep in touch with your donor family. "Having a child is a huge commitment and I wanted to be certain whoever I was helping was going to be up to the job.

"Around the same time, I also started donating to the London Women's Clinic (LWC), a renowned IVF clinic on Harley Street. "I was warned that any children resulting from my donations could get in touch when they turned 18. It didn't faze me. "I figured that the chance of them looking me up was pretty slim. "Why would they bother when they had been brought up by two loving parents? "I was told my sperm were pretty strong, so everything seemed great. Then I had a screening by the LWC. "My jaw hit the floor when the results came back that I was carrying a dormant cystic fibrosis gene. "It meant that if my sperm was paired with an egg that had the same gene, the child would have cystic fibrosis.

"The odds were tiny but, of course, it's a chance no one wants to take. All my donations were destroyed and that was the end of that. "I was pretty depressed about it and spoke to my mum. She said there was no history of CF in our family. It was just one of those things. "Since then, I've got in touch with a couple of women through Pride Angel who are desperate to become mums. We're sussing each other out and so far it's going well. "So long as they get tested to make sure they're not CF carriers as well, my faulty gene won't be an issue. "I wish other men would consider being donors. There are so many people out there who would make great parents and just need a little help."

Pride Angel comments: The chance being a cystic fibrosis carrier is 1 in 25 people, so it relatively common. Many people will go through life being totally unaware of carrying the faulty gene, as it will not result in you having a child with cystic fibrosis unless you conceive with another person who in a carrier. When two people with the single mutation have a child, there is a 25% chance that the child will have CF, 50% chance that the child will be a carrier and 25% chance that the child with not be affected.

It is wonderful news to hear about men like Ian who are happy to help childless couples create the family they are longing for.

Mark Jackson, 43
MARK, a railway signalman from Doncaster, has been a donor for seven years, helping at least two families. While partner Jenny, 33, with whom he has two sons and a stepson, accepts his decision, she wasn't always keen.

"Just over six years ago I was watching coverage of the tsunami in the Far East and I felt so insignificant, like nothing I did would ever make a difference. "As I was looking at those awful photos, I saw a news bulletin flash up about new anonymity laws for sperm and egg donors. "I decided to do some research online and found out about huge donor shortages and rising demand. It really struck a chord – tens of thousands of couples were being denied the chance to have a family. "Back then I had no desire to be a dad, although I wasn't ruling it out in the future. "But I knew I wanted to help. I really didn't mind if a child came knocking on my door in 18 years as long as someone's life had been made better.

"I looked on the website for the National Gamete Donation Trust, a government-funded charity, and booked an appointment at the Manchester Fertility Services clinic. "There I had the tests to show my sperm was freezable and, in 2005, I donated nine samples over a three-month period. "I had to make regular 150-mile round trips to the clinic, taking unpaid time off work and only getting very basic expenses. But that wasn't why I was doing it.

"Then four years ago I met Jenny. We hit it off instantly. She had an eight-year-old son from a previous relationship and I knew she wanted another child. "In September 2008 we had Lewis. It was then that she became cautious about my donating sperm, worrying about Lewis having half-brothers and sisters turning up in years to come demanding to be part of our family. "She didn't understand that I just wanted to help other couples have what we had had. "But she knew I wouldn't back down and would carry on donating until I had helped my full quota of ten couples to have a child. "I think we accepted our differences. I have donated 19 times in total.

"Last year Jenny and I had another baby boy, Finley, and I think it was about then she started to understand me better. "As we got older she realised how many of our friends were having problems conceiving. "For someone to help them out by donating sperm, or eggs for the woman, was amazing. "She now talks openly to friends and family about what I do. "If it wasn't for the fact we want another baby she would donate her eggs.

"It's a tragedy so many people are denied three IVF attempts because of postcode lotteries – to pay thousands of pounds yourself isn't always possible. "In a couple of years I'll be too old to donate. I want to encourage more men to make someone's life better."

Dave Selkirk, 27
DAVE, a barman from south London, spent a year donating sperm and could have helped father up to 20 children. "I think of it as a charity donation. Not everyone has a lot of money to give – but any man can donate his sperm. "Blokes go out and get girls pregnant on one-night stands, yet there are lots of desperate people out there who can't have children.

"It costs me nothing to give it but to the person who receives it, it's a child. "I started donating when I moved to the UK from South Africa. At first it was just to pay my grocery bills after I got into a bit of debt. "You were allowed to donate up to twice a week and got £15 a time. "But then it became more than that to me. "I felt a sense of fulfilment thinking that I had helped others. "You can help a maximum of ten families and most will have one or two children. "It's all anonymous but it is in the contract that the children can contact you when they turn 18. "The parents are never allowed to contact you.

"So yes, it would be strange if in 18 years' time 20 kids came knocking at my door saying I was their dad. "I had to speak to a psychiatrist at the clinic about this and they talk through the options. "It's difficult to know exactly how I'd react until it happens but I feel I'd be ready to cope. "I was single when I made my donations and now I have a girlfriend. "It was something I had to discuss with her and she knows that it's a very real possibility. "She was none too pleased but it's something we talked through and right now, we're happy."

Article extracts: 22nd September 2011 www.thesun.co.uk

Ever considered donating sperm to help lesbian, single or infertile couples? visit www.prideangel.com

Sperm bank in Denmark says 'Redheads need not apply' – at least not to the Cryos sperm bank in Denmark, where they have enough red-haired sperm donors on stock already.

Reports of this story have been splashed across world media outlets and put the focus on the redhead ban. But the Danish facility, which is part of an international network of sperm banks, is imposing wider restrictions: they are not taking in any Scandinavians, whether blond, dark-blond red-haired or of any other hair colour, Cryos founder and director Mr Ole Schou told The Irish Times.

“We have too many. We have nearly 500 donors free of quarantine – the world’s largest selection,” he says. “And we have 600 donors on the waiting list. First time in history.”

However it’s the ginger hair that is grabbing the headlines, and the trait is still sought in some areas, according to Schou. “Ireland is among those countries that have the highest demand for red-haired donors – number three on the list behind Denmark and Germany,” he says, noting that the Danish Cryos facility has long supplied Ireland with sperm.

“The problem is that we have too many donors on stock with red hair. If the demand [increases] more than supply, we will take in red-haired again.”

So what kinds of physical traits do prospective parents generally look for in a sperm donor? People seek something similar to themselves, according to Schou, who describes how heterosexual couples look for similarities with the male partner, single parents tend to want sperm donors that look like themselves or “their dream prince” and lesbian couples generally look for a donor that resembles one of the partners.

Graham Coull, lab manager at the Sims clinic in Dublin agrees that for heterosexual couples, sperm donors tend to be matched to the male’s characteristics. He is not surprised by the redhead ban, noting that while Ireland may be one of the top-demanding countries for red-haired donors, in absolute terms the levels of requests here are still fairly low.

“If it’s a heterosexual couple, we match mainly to the male characteristics, and the only time we would be really matching red hair is if the male [partner] has red hair,” says Coull.

“And it’s rare that we would get single women or same-sex partners requesting red hair.” The clinic orders donated sperm through Cryos for use in various fertility procedures, including intra-uterine insemination and in vitro fertilisation.

Patients fill out a sheet detailing preferred characteristics, and Coull finds an appropriate sperm donor. “When it is a heterosexual couple, the most common characteristics in Ireland that we are asked to match are dark hair and blue eyes,” he says.

Article: 20th September 2011 www.irishtimes.com

Lesbian, single, infertile? Looking for a sperm donor? or willing to donate sperm by personal arrangement? visit www.prideangel.com

Eleni Kyriacou talks to three couples about how IVF and fertility treatment can turn lives upside down

Carole Waters, who has now adopted
Carole, 43, lives in Hampshire with her husband Andy, 43. They have had one IVF cycle and one frozen embryo transfer (FET). They have a daughter, Bea, five.

I was 29 when we first started trying to conceive and we waited five years before having IVF. I was against it for a long time – I didn't like the thought of all those drugs. I was determined to get pregnant naturally and all the tests had shown that we were both highly fertile, so there was no clinical reason why we shouldn't be able to conceive naturally.

Eventually we got sucked into it. I was told that I had the egg reserves of a woman in her 20s, so we were very hopeful. In our area there was no NHS funding, so we paid for it. A woman in the next town had three IVF cycles, all paid for. I hated injecting myself and the mood swings that came with it. I remember the moment I saw the blood and realised it had failed. I screamed and at that point I couldn't have got any lower. It took me six months to deal with it. I became paranoid and felt depressed. For those six months, Andy and I became very insular, almost attached at the hip. We felt only we could understand each other, so we hardly socialised. And, frankly, I was getting fed up of all the platitudes, people saying: "It'll happen, just relax."

IVF made me feel such a failure. Friends were having their third baby and we were still trying for our first. A year later, we had FET – using the frozen embryos left over from the IVF cycle. But that failed too. I had a gut feeling that I would never get pregnant, so we decided to stop. The doctors kept saying there was nothing wrong with us, so we couldn't see what IVF could do for us that we couldn't do ourselves. We had already spent £4,000 and continuing would have felt like throwing money away.

So we agreed that we wouldn't have children. It was heartbreaking, though deep down I don't think I really believed that. Eventually we started socialising again and we'd walk into parties, heads held high, and pretend everything was OK and that we were quite happy the way we were.

We had briefly talked about adoption but dismissed it, as we had read that you couldn't adopt a baby if you were over 35. We wanted a baby, not a toddler; it was a basic need in me and we wanted to be as much of an influence in the child's life as possible. About a year later, by chance, I bumped into a colleague in the car park at work. She was adopting two siblings. She told me that there weren't the age limits on adopters we had assumed. I had also heard that the process was harrowing, but she said, "It's nowhere near as bad as IVF." That resonated.

Andy and I agreed that, though we were happy now, we'd be full of regret when we were older. In 10 years, we might be holidaying in the Maldives but what would it mean without a family? And what about when we were older? We regularly socialise with our parents and my Mum and I are very close. We wanted that for us in the future. We decided to explore adoption and it took two years, from that first phone call to having Bea come to live with us. She was nine months old.

I had to give up on the idea of having my own genetic child and there was a certain amount of mourning involved. The notion left my head but it was still in my heart. I can pinpoint the day when the idea finally left me for good. It was the day we were approved for adoption. Before that, I was still thinking, maybe I will still get pregnant, as everyone says it will happen when you least expect it. Since then I haven't cared about getting pregnant and now I wouldn't want a birth child, because Bea might feel left out. I don't want that complication for her. If someone said I could go back 10 years and get pregnant, I categorically wouldn't do it.

I feel so proud of our daughter and what we've done. Anyone can have a baby, but not everyone can adopt. There's no doubt in our minds that we weren't meant to have a biological child, because she was already there waiting for us. It's one of the best things we ever did. I know women on their seventh and eight IVF cycles. It's heartbreaking. I wish they would consider adoption as another way to achieve a family, rather than as a second best.

For more information on adoption, visit www.baaf.org.uk

Natalie Smith, who has had five cycles
Natalie, 27, lives in Kent with her husband, Nigel, 47. They are in the middle of their fifth IVF cycle and have had two miscarriages.

I've been trying to get pregnant since I was 18. In the past five years we've had, on average, one course a year, and have spent about £16,000. The third cycle worked, but we still didn't get our baby. It died at about 10 weeks. The fourth cycle failed, but then I got pregnant naturally. A week later, I started bleeding again. It's called a "chemical pregnancy" – something that was started but didn't get far. There are only so many hits you can take emotionally before getting knocked down completely. This experience has made me a bit harder, a bit more immune to the disappointment. You have to put up a barrier to protect yourself.

For a while, I couldn't look at a pregnant woman. I think pregnancy is a wonderful thing and pregnant women look lovely, but it pulls at my heartstrings when I see one because I want that so much.

I've always wanted a family, from the age of about five. I'm one of six children and Nigel is one of seven. We had plans and thought it would be easy, but now one child would be great. That would be enough. I definitely wouldn't have more IVF for a second child.

We haven't set a limit on how many times we'll do this. We just see how we feel – emotionally, physically and financially – at the end of the cycle. I've always got enough eggs, and they're good embryos, so I think as long as that's happening, why not carry on? Maybe we'll try again if this fails, but then I think six attempts might be enough. For my sanity's sake, I would have to draw the line.

We had our first cycle on the NHS, but have paid for the rest. We haven't had a holiday abroad since 2004; we'd like a new car, a new kitchen. But we can't. I don't feel we're missing out. I would give up all my holidays if it meant I could have a child. That's how we both feel. But we try not to make our relationship just about having children.

If we don't have kids I know we'll be OK, but the prospect frightens me. The idea of not having the joy a child brings – it hurts that I might not get that. I've recently started training to be a nurse. I needed something to fill the void of not having a baby, and also something to give me a life outside of all this. That feeling of "what if we never have children?" is always in the air. But we always tell each other that we'll be OK.

IVF has made me feel very negative about my body. I'm frustrated with it because it fails me again and again. It also worries me that I'm pumping myself full of drugs. I don't know what the long-term implications may be.

What keeps me going is my relationship with Nigel. It's easy to let the passion go because it's all about getting pregnant. That's why it's nice to have a break between the cycles. We can get back to being a normal couple again.

I've had a rough ride but he has too. Men have to watch their partners go through it all and there's that stupid stigma attached – the idea you can't get your wife pregnant. He's had a few "jokes" at work, people saying: "Oh, I'll come round and get her pregnant for you." They haven't got a clue what this is like for us. By the end of the summer we'll know if our fifth cycle has worked.

• Natalie has now heard that this round has been unsuccessful "We've talked about another cycle but our hearts are not in it. We may consider adoption but not until I finish studying in 2014. Until then, we'll try naturally. We're finally starting to realise that what we want is a family, not a pregnancy but it's not until you step back that you see that.'

Candida Hilton , who has given up on IVF
Candida, 41, lives in north London with her husband Damien, 39. They have had two rounds of IVF and a miscarriage. They accept that they may not have children.

Damien and I were married in 2008. He has three sons from a previous relationship, and had already had a vasectomy. We wanted a child together but because of my age and the fact that reversals are painful and sometimes unsuccessful, we were advised that IVF would be a better option for us.

We had the treatment at clinics in London and Cyprus. We happened to be on holiday there at the time, the consultant came highly recommended and it was half the price. The vasectomy was voluntary so we didn't stand a chance with NHS funding. During the first cycle, I only had one embryo that could be put back. Although the doctor told me my chances were minimal, he added, "But you only need one," so of course I was still hopeful.

When it failed, I knew I had to try again, to give myself a better chance. It's like rolling a dice, but you don't think like that during the process. You're full of hormones and are not rational. I was all over the place. I was even crying at John Lewis ads on TV.

After the second cycle failed, I woke one night lying in puddles of blood. I'd had a blood test a few days before that said I wasn't pregnant, but in A&E I was told it was probably a miscarriage. I'm still not sure.

We agreed we would have a two-month break and then reconsider, but I knew I didn't want any more IVF. Damien completely understood and felt that as I'd gone through all this in an attempt to conceive, he would do what he could. He had his vasectomy reversed. It was successful, so if it happens for us and I get pregnant, it happens. If I found out I was pregnant, I'd be overjoyed. But I'm not crying over the fact that I'm not.

I won't let it jeopardise our relationship. If we don't have a child that will be the only thing we don't have. I've met some women on this journey that I just don't want to become. Men, too. The IVF regime is so obsessive: you have to do the same thing every time, every day. It makes you obsessive in your behaviour, too. One man told me that he felt he had lost the woman he had married.

The idea of life without children does sadden me, but it's not like I don't have kids in the house. Damien's sons visit every other weekend and I couldn't love them more if they were my own.

Being healthy and living without a child isn't so bad. There are many worse things in life. The IVF industry sells hope, with no guarantees. There's nothing else quite like it in the medical world. They're selling a dream and people will pay so much for it. It feels cruel and emotionally destructive. I was told: "Woo-hoo! You have the uterus of a 28-year-old, you have multi-cell embryos and they're already multiplying!" I thought, great, this will work. I would rather someone had said: "Well, it looks pretty good but don't get your hopes up, OK?"

Article: 17th September 2011 www.guardian.co.uk

Read more about alternatives to IVF at www.prideangel.com

SATURDAY 17TH SEPTEMBER 10 am - 5 pm

Demystifying the process of starting a family
GRAND CONNAUGHT ROOMS, COVENT GARDEN, LONDON

SEMINAR BOOKINGS NOW OPEN EACH SEMINAR BOOKED COSTS £3

• Thinking of becoming a parent?
• Want to understand the options available to you?
• Are you considering IVF, adoption or surrogacy?
• Want to understand your rights as a parent?
• Need help deciding on known or anonymous donors?
• Want to find support networks for same-sex parents?

A one-stop shop for anyone wanting to become a parent. The Alternative Families Show brings together all the information you need to make informed choices on parenthood. For the the lesbian and gay community, this is your opportunity to get some real facts surrounding same-sex parenting, co-parenting, surrogacy and much more.

Exhibitors 2011 include the following:

The lesbian, gay and bisexual charity. Stonewall played a key role in lobbying for important legislative changes for gay and lesbian parents.
www.stonewall.org.uk

Pride Angel is a leading worldwide connection site, fertility forum and blog for lesbian, gay, single and infertile couples, wishing to become parents through co-parenting and donor conception.
www.prideangel.com

British Association for Adoption and Fostering. Family finding, publications, training, conferences, consultancy, campaigning and advice.
www.baaf.org.uk

Over just the past 8 years, the BSC have matched over 35 couples and singles with surrogates, both traditional and gestational, and with egg donors, producing 45 babies! All of these couples have been matched with surrogates in the USA. Now with recent law changes in the UK and the positive encouragement from the UK community as a whole, we bring you The British Surrogacy Centre, dedicated to building families of the future and giving ordinary people the chance to have a family of their own.
www.britishsurrogacycentre.com

European Sperm Bank provides patients with donor choices. They select donors very carefully and use industry-leading donor screening procedures strictly in line with EU regulations.
www.europeanspermbank.com

L Group Families supports lesbians by providing specialist information and advice on the different services within the marketplace in order that they can make informed choices on the best treatment and options available to them and enjoy the prospect of parenthood. Our aims are:To provide support, information and advice to lesbians who are thinking about starting a family, (now or in the future); and to provide a support service to lesbian parents, carers and their children.
www.lgroupfamilies.org.uk

The North London Adoption Consortium (NLAC) is a partnership of five local authority adoption agencies (Barnet, Camden, Enfield, Haringey and Islington) and the voluntary agency Norwood. We all work together to provide the very best possible service for children waiting to be adopted and for those wanting to adopt. Working in partnership means we are able to offer a greater range of choice for children and adopters. By sharing information about waiting children and approved adopters, we are able to find new homes for children in a more efficient and timely manner.
www.adoptionnorthlondon.co.uk

Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority
Dedicated to licensing and monitoring UK fertility clinics and providing impartial and authoritative information to people considering or going through treatment or donating.
www.hfea.gov.uk

Kites Children’s Services has been established since 1995 to provide quality services for young people who present with sexual development problems which may lead to sexually harmful behaviour. Kites has a multidisciplinary team providing residential, fostering, education and aftercare placements all supported by therapeutic services and external consultants.
www.kitescs.com

New Family Social is the UK wide support network for LGBT adopters, foster carers and their children. We have over 450 families and families to be who share advice and encouragement online, and can find others near them in order to build their local support networks. Most importantly, our regular family events around the UK give our children the confidence of knowing other families like theirs.
www.newfamilysocial.co.uk

and many more exhibitors....

Seminars run throughout the day on subjects from conception, adoption, legal rights, & support networks. The show will give you access to information from top UK advisors in their field.

Seminars wil include talks by leading experts within their field such as:

Family ties and the law: Singles, gays and lesbians
by fertility and parenting lawyer: Natalie Gamble
www.nataliegambleassociates.com

Surrogacy and IVF for same sex couples and singles
by Dr Susan Treiser, IVF New Jersey and Barrie & Tony Drewitt-Barlow
www.britishsurrogacycentre.com

For more information about seminars visit www.alternativefamiliesshow.com/seminar-programme

Gay, lesbian, single, wishing to start a family through using a known donor or co-parenting? visit www.prideangel.com

Theresa Erickson, a high profile Californian attorney specialising in assisted reproduction law (self-styled online and in the media as ‘the surrogacy lawyer’) pleaded guilty last month to charges relating to her involvement in a baby selling scam. The case has sent shock waves through the US assisted reproduction law community, which is reeling at the disgrace of one of its best known members.

But although the story is shocking, I would hate to think that wider conclusions might be drawn about the way in which commercial surrogacy is practiced (legally) in many US states, or that US surrogacy lawyers in general should not be trusted. As well as being a story about the wrongs, this is a story of ethical boundaries being enforced, and a story of reputable US surrogacy attorneys who ensured that an unethical and illegal scheme was exposed and stopped.

How did the scheme work?
According to news reports and information posted online from those involved, Ms Erickson, working with another lawyer, Ms Neiman, and a third woman, Ms Chambers, recruited ‘surrogate mothers’ in the USA and arranged for them to travel to the Ukraine where embryos were transferred which had been created with donated eggs and sperm. The birth mothers were assured that this was perfectly legal and was ‘just another way of doing surrogacy’, and that there was a long list of intended parents waiting for their help.

Once the birth mothers were three months’ pregnant then – and only then – would the conspirators advertise for prospective intended parents. The couples who approached them were told, falsely, that intended parents had backed out of a planned surrogacy and that, for a substantial fee, they could step in. Ms Erickson then filed fraudulent papers with the Californian court to enable the parents to be named on the birth certificate. The scheme was said to have been carried out on at least twelve occasions.

What happened to expose the scam?
One of the birth mothers involved, suspecting something was amiss, approached another US assisted reproduction attorney for advice about whether this really was legitimate surrogacy practice. The attorney was concerned and contacted the chair of the American Bar Association’s Assisted Reproductive Technology Committee. He approached Ms Erickson to ask her about the scheme (she denied any involvement) and then, with the support of a colleague based in California where Ms Erickson was based, followed his professional duty to report dishonest or criminal conduct, and referred the case to the FBI. Following an investigation, Ms Erickson was charged and pleaded guilty. She is currently awaiting sentencing and faces up to five years in prison.
(I should add that the intended parents involved, all of whom were exonerated of any wrongdoing, have since been legally confirmed as the parents of the children they have, in effect, adopted).

Why was the scheme wrong?
This baby-making scam was so deeply and fundamentally wrong that it is difficult to know where to start. What shocks me the most, I suppose, was the flagrant disregard for all those involved – for the birth mothers who became pregnant on the basis of a lie (and the abuse of trust, relying on the reputation of a well-known lawyer, which that involved), for the intended parents whose desperation was exploited so greedily, and most of all for the preciousness of the lives of the children conceived, not within a loving family, but by design and for profit.

This was not, on anyone’s definition, really surrogacy. Under UK law, surrogacy involves artificial conception with the gametes of one or both of the intended parents (which quite obviously has to involve the intended parents from the outset). The rules are different in California, but surrogacy still has to involve an arrangement between specific individuals made before conception. Baby selling or adoption for profit is therefore probably a more accurate categorisation, although of course Ms Erickson was a well known surrogacy lawyer and so those involved were able to ‘sell’ the scam as surrogacy.

Interestingly, Ms Erickson was ultimately convicted, not of baby selling or any offences directly related to assisted reproduction, but of wire transfer fraud. Given the context, this has the resonance of Al Capone being convicted for tax evasion. However, I suppose it is appropriate that Ms Erickson has been held to account for deception (the scheme had, as I understand it, involved lies to the surrogates, the intended parents and even the Californian court). If the rules are anything like they are in the UK, whether or not she goes to prison, Ms Erickson will never be able to practice law again.

What does this mean for surrogacy lawyers in the USA?
Lawyers hold a very special position of trust and credibility. The essence of legal practice is to help others to comply with the law, and this carries a strict duty of honesty and integrity as well as, obviously, legality. This case is a perfect example of why the professional standards for lawyers are – quite rightly – so high. Would this scheme have been credible to the participants had Ms Erickson not been involved and, crucially, had she not been a well known lawyer? It seems doubtful.

This is, in many ways, an almost science fiction style tale of the creation of life for sale. But it is a strange and unusual case, and I would hate to think that wider conclusions about how surrogacy is practiced in the USA might be drawn from it. I salute the bravery and professionalism of the lawyers who ensured that their dishonest colleague was held criminally accountable – it cannot have been an easy decision. On behalf of them and the many other scrupulous US surrogacy lawyers I have worked with, I say shame on you Ms Erickson.

More information about international surrogacy law for those considering a US surrogacy arrangement is available on our website.

Article: by Natalie Gamble 12th September 2011 www.nataliegambleassociates.com

Read more about surrogacy law at www.prideangel.com

Pride Angel wants your feedback - Receive £150 mothercare vouchers for FREE

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• Found a donor through Pride Angel?
• Got pregnant using a Pride Angel insemination kit?
• Starting the journey to parenthood and considering different options?
• Co-parenting with a single person or gay couple?
• Used a friend as a sperm donor?
• Using IVF treatment or going through surrogacy?

Are you willing to write a small blog/article about your personal experiences in the region of 200-500 words? Personal names do not need to be included if you prefer not to.

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Speak to us for more information, just contact us. Enter your article by email: info@prideangel.com

This promotion is available until 30th November 2011. All entries will be replied to by the Pride Angel team.