Pride Angel

'We never gave up hope': Parents celebrate arrival of baby girl after spending £100,000 on EIGHT rounds of IVF

After spending tens of thousands of pounds over the best part of a decade on seven failed IVF courses, the experts were clear on one thing - Sarah Francis would never have a baby.

The judgement seemed even more clear-cut after she learned she had a rare condition which made her immune system attack any unborn child. But she and her husband Darren, 38, decided to try just one more time - bringing their total spend on treatments to £100,000 - and were rewarded with daughter Evie.

Today, as she hugged her precious child, Mrs Francis had an important message for other would-be parents faced with the same agonising process. 'We want other people going through the same thing to know there can be a happy ending. Just don't give up,' she said.

The couple, from Southend-on-Sea, Essex, had been trying to conceive for a year when they were told they would it would never happen naturally. 'We were told we would never have a child. It just wasn't working. Despite test after test, we just weren't given a reason why,' said Mrs Francis, 33, an account correspondant for a sports company.

'After trying naturally for a year with no luck we started IVF in 2000. After seven failed attempts we were told "There's no more we can do for you".'

In a last-ditch attempt, the desperate couple were referred to a specialist clinic in London's Harley Street. Mrs Francis had a new set of blood tests which revealed the devastating news that her own body was turning on her foetuses. 'I had to have blood tests which involved 18 vials of blood being taken from me, which then got sent to Chicago Medical Centre in America,' she said. 'The result came back that my immune level was so high my own body was killing the embryo.

'It was ironic because the condition means I never get ill because I have such a strong immune system but it was attacking the very thing I wanted most in the world.'

Numbed by the bleak outlook, the couple nevertheless decided to have one more course of IVF and returned to the clinic early last year hoping it had finally worked.

Sarah Francis gave birth to Evie at Southend Hospital in Essex (pictured) Mrs Francis said: 'We were told to go away for a few hours while they looked at the results. Darren and I went to Oxford Street to try to keep ourselves busy.

'Suddenly in the middle of the street the phone rang. We both looked at each other. I answered, expecting the worst and the clinician on the other end said "It's positive".

'I can't describe the emotion that welled up inside me. We didn't say anything to each other. We walked back to the car in silence and both just burst into tears.

'I still get tearful now when I remember the joy of that day.' She paid tribute to her husband, adding: 'I know families who have been torn apart by IVF. I felt like a failure.

'I even said to my husband "I understand if you leave me". But he was always amazingly supportive and I never felt I was going through it all alone.' Evie was born at Southend Hospital on November 23 last year weighing a healthy 5lb 15oz and her parents have already planned a surprise gift for her when she reaches adulthood.

Mrs Francis said: 'I've saved the receipts to give Evie on her 18th birthday to show how much she cost us.'

Article: 31st July 2010 www.dailymail.co.uk

Read more about IVF or looking for a sperm donor, egg donor or co-parent www.prideangel.com

As I turn the pages of our family photo albums, I see countless pictures of our children growing up.

Most of the shots capture moments of happiness or achievement: my daughters are laughing on care-free holidays under azure summer skies, or clutching a medal, holding a certificate, winning a race.

These albums, stored in a memory chest I have created for my family, are a record not just of my children's happiness and achievements, but my own as well. I love to look at the pictures of us, it's a sort of proof that I'm living the 'parental dream'. Or that's what I thought.

But now I'm being told that my parental happiness is a delusion and that my photo albums - like my parental memory bank - contain only the moments I have chosen to archive.

Mothers and fathers, according to the latest research by top scientists, simply choose to forget - or else don't admit to - all the other hideous stuff which makes us miserable on an almost daily basis; the tears, the tedium and the tantrums.

In fact, this research goes even further than that. It suggests that there's a good chance having children actually makes people unhappy - or at least a lot less happy than those who are childless. It has long been instilled in us that the key to ultimate joy and fulfilment lies with having a family - in fact, it is even detailed in the Bible. Can it really be that this is no longer true?

When I was growing up, there was a couple living on our street called the Harrisons and everyone felt pity for them because they were childless. It never even occurred to anyone that they might have remained child-free through choice. As young as seven years old, I remember feeling sad for them and deliberately popping in to see them - as if my presence could somehow bring some childlike joy to their colourless, childless world.

Back then, couples like the Harrisons were to be pitied. Now, apparently, according to the experts, they should be envied. Which is quite possibly why the numbers of them are increasing year on year. According to statistics collected by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, among UK women born in 1946, only nine per cent remain childless. Of those born in 1952, 16 per cent are childless; of those born 20 years later, in 1972, that figure has grown to 20 per cent.

Women like the international editor of Channel 4 news Lindsey Hilsum, 51, who is currently on assignment in Afghanistan.

'I wanted to travel the world,' she told me from Kabul. 'Being able to jump on an aeroplane at the drop of a hat isn't really compatible with being a mother.' Those like Hilsum - who describe themselves as child-free through choice - used to suffer the stigma of a society that judged them to be selfish, or even labelled them as unnatural.

Perhaps, if this new research is right, they were just jealous, bogged down by the stress, emotionally and financially, of raising a family.

'I don't see why people assume non-parents like me may come to regret not having children,' Hilsum says.

'The same people would never suggest that a parent could come to regret having children. That's taboo because if any parent admitted it, they would hurt the ones they love. But some parents might - in some ways - actually have regrets.'

Professor Andrew Oswald, from Warwick University, agrees. He has studied happiness levels in both parents and non-parents and says the non-parents simply have many more sources of happiness available to them - work choices, spontaneity, disposal income, skiing in the Alps, sports cars and so on.

'Parents really don't like hearing this,' he says. 'But our evidence shows that having children has no positive effect on happiness.

'On the contrary, it shows that parents are at their most happy six months before the baby is born, when they are thrilled with the idea of having a baby.

They also appear happy in the first year after the child is born. But that's the end of the good news. The finding is that after that it's downhill all the way.'

His views are very much in keeping with the latest, rather shocking, research from the U.S.

Professor Robin Simon, a sociology professor from Florida State University, has collected data from 13,000 Americans and concludes: 'No group of parents - married, single, step or even empty nest -p> reported significantly greater emotional wellbeing than the people who had never had children.'

Read more: www.dailymail.co.uk

Read more about parenting options for gay, lesbian, single and infertile couples at www.prideangel.com

A woman's personality can affect when she chooses to have her first child, according to a new study. The research found that traits such as 'conscientiousness' and 'openness' were associated with delaying motherhood, while more neurotic or extrovert women were more likely to have children young.

The study of over 16,000 mothers, by the Institute of Social and Economic Research, looked at the relationship between fertility, education and personality traits.

Researchers cross-referenced five different personality types - conscientious, neurotic, open, agreeable and extrovert - with the age at which the women had their first child.

Lara Tavares, the author of the study, said that the average educated woman had their first child two years later than her average less-educated counterpart - but analysis of personality traits could explain this timing gap more clearly.

'Personality traits influence both education and fertility decisions,' she said. 'More 'open-minded' people might be less vulnerable to the social pressure for having children.

'Because people who score high on openness usually have wide interests, they are less likely to be exclusively family-oriented. Consequently, they might value their careers more and therefore face higher psychological childbearing costs.'

The research showed that more 'open' women, while more intellectual, had a tendency towards unconventional or rebellious behaviour, such as putting off having children.

By contrast, agreeable women were found to be more caring and kind, traits that are associated with motherhood. Women who scored highly in this category also had their children young.

Conscientious women, who delayed becoming mothers, were more likely to be self-disciplined and well-organised, while extrovert personalities, who had children relatively young, were more assertive.

The more neurotic of the women interviewed for the study were found to be less emotionally stable, with a higher tendency to be anxious, depressed and insecure.

The age at which a woman has her first child has increased across Europe. In 1980, the average age of a first-time mother in the UK was 25. By 2006 it had risen to 30.

Article: 27th July 2010 www.dailymail.co.uk

Read more about parenting options for gay, lesbian, single and infertile couples www.prideangel.com

Researchers believe the increased threat may come from the body rejecting donated eggs or underlying health problems that may come to the fore during artificial conception.

They want increased vigilance so that the exact nature of the risk can be calculated.

"Women should be counselled and made aware of the risks they are taking and deaths should be properly reported," Professor Didi Braat at Radboud University in the Netherlands told the Sunday Times.

Prof Braat looked at the deaths between 1984 and 2008 in the Netherlands but believes they will apply to any developed country.

She found 17 women who died in pregnancy who had had IVF treatment – a death rate of 42.5 for every 100,000 pregnancies.

The death rate is 12.1 in every 100,000 for women who conceived naturally.

The rising age of mothers may be increasing the number of complications. Last year nearly 27,000 women over 40 gave birth, a rise of 50 per cent in a decade.

There are about 13,000 IVF births a year in Britain.

The research was published in the Journal Human Reproduction.

Pride Angel added that artificial insemination (intra-cervical insemination) such as that performed with home insemination kits, does not carry any more risks of death in pregnancy than natural conception.

Read more about home insemination

Beverli Rhodes was a divorced mum with four daughters from two marriages when she shared her first lesbian kiss.

She was 30 and says the experience was a revelation. 'It was as if a switch had been turned,' she says. Although she insists that she had hoped and intended that her two marriages would last for life, she says she also knew from that point on that she would only ever be sexually attracted to women. Beverli, now 49, went on to have several lesbian relationships before meeting her current female partner Crystyn Day, 50, a photographer with whom she lives in Ashford, Kent.

Remarkably Crystyn, too, had previously been living a heterosexual life and has a grown-up daughter from an 11-year marriage. Now, new research has identified Beverli and Crystyn as members of an intriguing group. A comprehensive study of female sexuality will be presented to the American Psychological Association's annual meeting next month and it has found a surprising growth in the numbers of so-called 'late-blooming lesbians' - women who have switched their sexuality once they've passed the age of 30. High-profile examples include Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon, now 43, who began a relationship with Christine Marinoni in 2004.

The findings raise fascinating questions over the long-held belief that sexual preferences may be partly genetic and are fixed early in life. They also suggest that female sexuality may be more 'fluid' than men's, accounting for the fact that some women sustain long and often fulfilling marriages before developing lesbian or bisexual tendencies in early middle age - often leaving behind them a devastated husband and utterly bewildered children.

While the phenomenon of married women falling in love with other women is nothing new, in the past it was generally only bohemian, upper class women who dared to be overt about their lesbian tendencies - women like the married writer Virginia Woolf, who was 40 when she began a long love affair with Vita Sackville-West, who was also middle-aged and married.

But the new research suggests that this could be changing. And while some have previously concealed their sexuality to keep their families together, many women have no prior inclination to change their sexual preference until their mid-life revelations.

The consequences can be traumatic.

Beverli Rhodes insists she had 'never entertained the thought of being in a gay relationship' when she was growing up. She married George, a company director seven years her senior, and quickly had three babies. When the marriage broke up after seven years, she says: 'I simply thought that we were too young when we'd married and had grown apart.

‘Sex wasn't fantastic but I just put it down to the fact that like many mothers of young children, I was usually shattered.' Indeed, she quickly met and married Daniel, who managed a chain of restaurants, and soon became pregnant with her youngest daughter. Within two years, at the age of 27, Beverli was a divorcee for the second time, and attributed the break-up to the stresses caused by her burgeoning career as a City business analyst and the fact she earned far more than her husband.

It was a further three years before she realised, aged 30, that she was developing feelings for other women. Beverli's life-changing moment happened after she broke her wrist in a car accident and her friend's lesbian daughter drove her home from hospital.

The couple realised their mutual attraction and ended up kissing.

As Beverli recalls: 'The thrill of it took my breath away.' Their subsequent year-long affair was the prelude to a series of other liaisons over seven years, during which Beverli - anxious not to jeopardise her happy relationship with her children - kept her sexuality secret.

As the new research reveals, mothers understandably agonise about the reaction of their children if their sexuality begins to waver. Christian Moran, who conducted the studies at the Southern Connecticut State University, found that many women initially go through what is effectively psychological trauma as they try to reconcile their loyalties to their families with their attraction to other women. Beverli was certainly fearful of how her own children would react. 'They were in their teens when I told them and I thought they'd be more surprised than they actually were,' she says.

Even so, she concedes it wasn't easy for them. 'The younger ones were teased at school when news leaked out,' she reveals.

While for many women 'coming out' is a liberating and ultimately fulfilling experience, for others there can be irrevocable damage to their family relationships.

Read more: www.dailymail.com 23rd July 2010

For more information about parenting options for lesbian and gay couples visit www.prideangel.com

MY WEIRD & WONDERFUL FAMILY
Wednesday 21st July 21:00 Channel 4

Cutting Edge goes behind the headlines to intimately portray how gay millionaires Tony and Barrie Drewitt-Barlow's determination to have more children has affected them and their kids.

Barrie and Tony talk more to Channel 4 about how their family came about, and they offer advice to others in similar situations.

Channel 4: You've clearly been very honest and upfront with your children about how they were conceived. How important is it to be truthful?

Barrie and Tony: Yes we have been very honest with everyone; our kids know their own story. They have the facts and this is how we wanted it to be always. We knew that it would be hard to keep things secret and we didn't want to just do it on the QT. With the internet it's impossible to not let them know everything upfront which is what we have done. There would always be people or kids at school ready to tell them about what they have found. I don't think going into adulthood is going to be much of a problem for the kids. They are very well adjusted, normal kids.

Channel 4: Do you have advice for others, in a similar situation to yourselves, who might be considering the same route to starting a family?

Barrie and Tony: Our advice would be to never give in and don't take no for an answer! They are always ways to have a baby, regardless of your situation. Stand up for what you believe in and go for it when you're ready to go for it.

Channel 4: Can you describe your feelings with regard to contact with the biological mother(s) and why you've decided on anonymity for your new twins?

Barrie and Tony: We decided that we have enough women in our life and enough parent figures so we looked for an egg donor that wanted to stay out of the picture. This works well for Tony and I because of the strain it puts on the family having more people involved in their 'family'.

Channel 4: Before embarking on starting your family, did you research identity and attachment issues?

Barrie and Tony: As a social worker [Barrie], I have always been aware of issues relating to identity and attachment issues. It is my understanding that as long as enough information is provided along with love and understanding, respect and more love, those issues will not become an 'issue'. Our children know they are American and they know the story of their life, even though they know their surrogate and biological mother, they only see Tony and I as the parents.

Channel 4: How would you respond to people viewing this programme who might accuse you of devaluing the idea of a nuclear family and of 'buying' your family?

Barrie and Tony: The nuclear family as it used to be has evolved beyond belief over the past 20 years. More single parents both male and female, gay parents, older parents, three parent families even, so we cannot be blamed for the change, although we could be blamed for helping to push it along a bit faster!!! Lol... which we are happy about. As far as buying a family, we did everything we could be have a family by other methods like adoption and fostering. It was impossible for us to do this at the time as social services were not happy having a same sex couple making the applications. So the only alternative for us was to go down the surrogacy route. To be 100% honest with you though, we actually don't care what people think!

Channel 4: Do you think society in general has a long way to go before accepting alternative families? Barrie and Tony: Society has change in thinking towards same sex couples having children. We see for the past 10 years one side of everyone being up in arms to almost all being ok with it.

Channel 4: Can you sum up how your children have enriched your lives? Barrie and Tony: We wouldn't change anything about having our children, our lives are complete now we have them with us and we look forward to many more years of happiness with them.

Interview: www.channel4.com 19th July 2010

Read more about co-parenting and gay parenting options

Demystifying the Process of Becoming a Parent for the Gay Community and Single People

Saturday 23rd October 2010 from 10am to 5pm

GRAND CONNAUGHT ROOMS, COVENT GARDEN, LONDON

• Thinking of becoming a parent?
• Want to understand the options available to you?
• Are you considering IVF, adoption or surrogacy?
• Want to understand your rights as a parent?
• Need help deciding on known or anonymous donors?
• Want to find support networks for same-sex parents?

The alternative families show brings together all the information you need to make informed choices on parenthood. From conception, adoption, legal rights, to support networks the show will give you access to information from top UK advisors in their field. A one-stop shop for the lesbian and gay community, this is your opportunity to get some real facts surrounding same-sex parenting. For single people we present the options to becoming a parent.

Pride Angel will be attending the Alternative Families Show where they will be happy to answer any questions relating to donor conception and co-parenting.

Pride Angel is the leading worldwide connection site, fertility forum and blog for lesbian, gay, single and infertile couples, wishing to become parents through co-parenting and donor conception. Specialising in health screening advice, fertility law support, along with artificial insemination and fertility products available to purchase. Registration is free at www.prideangel.com

Tickets to the show cost £5 and can be purchased by here

The High Court has decided that a lesbian (non birth) mother does not have to financially support the ten year old child she conceived together with her partner. In a landmark decision, the court has ruled that even though the mother was awarded ’parental responsibility’ for her child and the right to full involvement in her child’s care, she cannot be held financially responsible because, at law, she is not a ‘parent’.

The decision highlights the complexity of concepts of parenthood as they apply to same sex parenting, and the problems that arise when relationships break down.

It is not the first time that there have been difficulties over maintenance and financial responsibility. Sperm donor Andy Bathie (represented by G&G partner Natalie Gamble) was pursued for maintenance by the CSA after the lesbian couple he donated to split up, because (as a biological father who had donated outside a licensed clinic) the law treated him, rather than the lesbian non-birth mother, as the children’s other ‘parent’.

The case also highlights why it is so important for lesbian couples who have children together to ensure that they secure their legal position fully as parents. Lesbian non birth mothers are now automatically treated as the second ’parent’ of any child they conceive with their partner, if the couple are civil partners at conception and/or the couple conceives at a UK licensed fertility clinic.

The new rules apply to children conceived after 6 April 2009 but are not retrospective. For couples who have children together who were conceived before 2009, they will need to go through an adoption process to ensure that both partners (and no one else) are share responsibility fully, both legally and financially.

Read more information about how the law applies when using a using a known donor

Article: 11th July 2010 www.gambleandghevaert.com

To Tell or Not to Tell: When Your Child Is Conceived Through In Vitro Fertilization: Author Helps Parents Explain the Process

For Claudia Santorelli-Bates it seemed like the obvious choice to talk to her own children about how they were conceived through the process of in vitro fertilization (IVF). Bates, who is the author of "I Can't Wait to Meet You," recommends the discussion for all families that have used IVF to conceive a child, but she says, "It seems that many families haven't thought about sharing their child's conception or are often adamantly opposed to speaking about it with them. It reminds me of adoption back when families made the choice to never tell their child that they were adopted."

Bates believes think that honesty is the best policy, especially when so much time and love went into families who use assisted reproduction. "I feel the world is opening up about the topic of IVF. When I share how my children were born I always hear things like, 'oh I didn't know that,'" she explained. This type of response is frequently viewed as being negative. "When discussing IVF, I am also met with other responses such as 'we did it the old fashioned way,'" explains Bates.

However, for many couples, doing it "the old fashioned way" isn't an option. But the end result is the same -- a child that is brought into the world for all the right reasons, nurtured and loved by parents. But what about telling your child that they were conceived through in vitro fertilization? Bates feels it is a necessary part of the process and when a child starts asking questions about how they were brought into the world she has some very real concerns and suggestions.

Explaining the birds and the bees used to be commonplace. Simple to understand from a child's perspective, but clearly it is not applicable in the case of children born through IVF. In these days of delayed parenthood and assisted reproduction, simply explaining the mechanics of intercourse doesn't always answer the question of "where did I come from?" Bates believes that parents who have turned to IVF to have a child need to guide children with informed information about the reproductive process when they're ready to listen and their curiosity has peaked. The process of telling a child that they were conceived through IVF involves guiding children through IVF, donor insemination, surrogacy, adoption and the question of why some children might have more than one set of parents.

Bates explains that, "Focusing on technical details, while employing a light approach won't perplex your child and they will develop an understanding of how they came into the world and just how much they were wanted and loved. Explaining that IVF makes them special is another way to help your youngster understand how they were born," she says. There are many books and publications that help parents discuss IVF and assisted reproduction with their children including Bates' acclaimed children's book, "I Can't Wait to Meet You." Bates concludes that "I feel very proud of the process that I went through to have what I wanted most in my life, a child."

About the Author

Claudia Santorelli-Bates was raised in New York. She wrote and produced an award-winning independent feature film titled "Loser Love" as well as three other feature films. After years of trying, she finally conceived her first daughter through the help of IVF. And so she created I Can't Wait to Meet You which can be purchased www.icantwaittomeetyou.com

Article: 15th July 2010 www.medicalnewstoday.com

Read more about IVF or Sperm donation

Desperate women with fertility problems have been placing newspaper adverts in a bid to find egg donors due to a national shortage, it emerged today.

Egg donations have declined steadily in recent years, following a change in the law in 2005 that allows children to trace donor parents.

Now with waiting lists stretching to over a year for donor eggs, some women have been placing appeals in local newspapers in their efforts to conceive.

Diana Smith, 44, who has already had two failed pregnancies, placed an advertisement in her local Northamptonshire paper yesterday, detailing her plight.

'We have been trying for a family for a long time but now we need to find an egg donor,' it read. 'Could you be that special person to help our dreams of a family come true?'

Mrs Smith, who has struggled to stert a family after she had a fallopian tube removed, was faced with a year-long wait for eggs before she could begin IVF treatment at the CARE Fertility Clinic in Northampton.

She said: 'My husband and I have everything we could want apart from a child. I want desperately to be a mum and I want the child to be my husband's.'

The advert explains that egg donors will be fast tracked to her if they are received by the clinic.

Previously, donors were guaranteed anonymity and their details could not be released to their biological children. But changes to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act in 2005 lifted the automatic anonymity granted to donors.

Karen Faulkner, donation co-ordinator for CARE Northampton said that the shortage of eggs was increasing as demand rose but supply continued to fall.

'We get more and more patients every month and our waiting list is ten months - but I know of other clinics with a wait of four years' She said: 'The advert is a one-off for this lady but clinics do occasionally use adverts for donors with varying levels of success.

'Any replies to the advert will come straight through to us at the clinic to test for a potential match.

'We are seeing a national shortage of eggs and numbers have been in decline since the changes to the law lifting donor anonimity. But demand is rising all the time as people become more aware of egg donation as an option.

'We get more and more patients every month and our waiting list is ten months - but I know of other clinics with a wait of four years.' Women may need egg donations after going through early menopause, chemotherapy or other fertility problems which cause long-lasting damage to eggs.

Donors need to be the correct blood type and are matched for hair colour, eye colour and height so that the baby will have similar characteristics to the mother or father.

National shortage: Demand for egg donation is rising as more women become aware of the option It is illegal to sell eggs in the UK and donors are renumerated up to £250 for their time - up to 50 hours - spent harvesting eggs.

Dr Rahnuma Kazem, medical director at CARE Northampton, said that advertising for donors was rare but could help to speed up the process for some women.

She said: 'This is the first advert we've placed in two years and it indicates that waiting lists for eggs are long at the moment.

'If a woman is very keen to have a baby as soon as possible we can place an ad with a code name so we know a response is to that person. It allows the eggs to go directly to her and cut out the waiting time.'

CARE Northampton completes 80 cycles each year at a cost of £5-6,000 per patient. The clinic screens each embryo for defects before it is implanted in the womb to maximise the chance of a pregnancy.

According to the latest nationally recorded figures in 2007, 1,779 women had 3,876 cycles of donor insemination treatment.

These resulted in 442 successful births accounting for 472 babies due to twins and triplets.

Around 1.5 per cent of all births and 1.8 per cent of all babies born in the UK are the result of IVF and donor insemination.

Article: 15th July www.dailymail.co.uk

Read more about egg donation or search for an egg donor